


Gimme shelter

by rosehiptea (Honeychild)



Series: Soft Woochan [3]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: And makes sure his bro from an other hoe isn't too much of an idiot, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bang Chan is Whipped, Best Friends, Boys Kissing, Chan is a Sad Clown, Eventual Romance, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Hot Chocolate, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, Kim Woojin is Whipped, Lee Felix (Stray Kids) is a Sweetheart, M/M, Panic Attacks, Slow Burn, Wishful Thinking, because, oblivious fools, why do I torture my kids
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-26
Updated: 2019-12-29
Packaged: 2020-05-20 07:52:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19372429
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Honeychild/pseuds/rosehiptea
Summary: The lights in the dressing room were too bright. The laughter and the cheers of the staff were too shrill. His clothes were too tight and the air was too thick to find a way down his throat. It was just all too much for Chan, so he ran. Ran to the first relatively calm place that came to his mind.But it didn’t get any better when he was alone.(Basically Chan struggling a lot, Woojin being his shoulder to lean on and the leader realising his feelings for his age mate in the process)





	1. The floods is threat’ning my very life today

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys <3  
> Quick disclaimer! The first chapter contains a panic attack.  
> (I originally didn't want Chan to have one but it kinda escalated?) 
> 
> Just so you know!

Chan stumbled into the bathroom at Music Bank with barely enough composure left to keep himself from crying on the spot. Everything had been fine. The performance had went smoothly. The fans had cheered and screamed their names. Everything had been perfectly fine, great even.

Until the lights went out. Until somewhere along the dark way to the dressing room their manager had informed them about the schedule of the following morning. The euphoria of the performance had crumbled into dust after hearing about another early morning, about a meeting with JYP and so much more that blended together in a blur of familiar words.

All of that had left an all-consuming emptiness where the adrenaline and the happiness of performing had been. Chan felt like someone had cut him wide open just to take out all his organs and leave his chest gaping for whatever sensation was thrown his way. And everything he could take in hurt like hell. 

The lights in the dressing room were too bright. The laughter and the cheers of the staff were too shrill. His clothes were too tight and the air was too thick to find a way down his throat. It was just all too much for him, so he ran. Ran to the first relatively calm place that came to his mind, which was the men’s bathroom.

But it didn’t get any better when he was alone. The lights in the bathroom were just as bright as the ones in the dressing room, making his head pound. The silence was only interrupted by his frantic breathing leaving static in his ears. 

He stumbled into one of the stalls in a half-hearted attempt to escape the light but the pain remained even in twilight. What was this? What was this weight on his chest that made it hard to breath, to even think properly? Why now? Why after they performed so well?

Chan doubled over trying desperately to get air in his lungs, but no matter how many breaths he took, it seemed like no oxygen actually made it past his lips. He clawed at his chest, at the restricting fabric, but no air reached his lungs even after the buttons of his shirt went flying.

The squares of the bathroom floor began to morph and move, to lose their clear outlines. Suddenly they were a lot closer and it took a few seconds until it dawned on Chan that his knees had given out. He half lied, half sat on the floor, limps tangled uncomfortably. He could feel the cold tiles underneath his fingers, he could feel the same chill on his cheek too. Everything was just so blurry. Everything pulsed in the rhythm of his rapidly beating heart and the weight on his chest grew with every pulse.

_Is this what death feels like?_

All the sudden more light flooded his senses, causing Chan to flinch helplessly. There was warmth against his cheek and a familiar voice pierced through the ringing in his ears. But he couldn’t answer. He didn’t even recognise the words, he just knew that someone was talking to him. He was pulled out of the bathroom stall. All the sensations he had previously tried to hide from flooded over his overburdened brain, causing pain to shoot through his head. All he could do was cover his eyes. But the pain already sat behind his lids gnawing at his mind.

Ice cold water hit his face with surprising force, knocking the little air he had left out of his lungs. His eyes flew open and finally, finally air flooded back into his aching lungs. It felt like he had found the glistening surface after drowning in the dark depths of the ocean for so long. He could finally breathe. And he could also finally hear what that voice from before had been saying.

“Chan?”, said a boy, heavy panic lacing his voice,” Are you with me, Chan? Please, please breathe. You- You can do that, right? We can do this. _Please_ , Chan…”

Strong warm hands were on his shoulders rubbing small circles with their thumbs. A shadow, formed like the silhouette of a boy- no a man- hung in his line of sight, blocking the hurtful light.

“Woojin?”, thought Chan while trying to get his eyes to focus properly. His breathing was still racked with pain and unsteady, but at least he was breathing.

“Yeah! Yeah, it’s me. Oh my god Chan. You scared me so mu- Chan, hey. You breathe too fast, you have to slo- Come here.”

Chan hadn’t realised he had voiced his thought, but he didn’t really care either way. The next moment he was moved in an upright position, feeling warmth against his side. His head spun for a second but it went away as soon as his forehead was softly placed in the crook of his friend’s neck, eyes finally sheltered from the light. Warm hands rubbed reassuringly up and down his arms, while Woojin breathed slowly for him to follow along.

With every breath of the older boy, Chan could feel his panic vanish a little bit until it was replaced with the warmth and security that Woojin’s arms offered. The static noise in his ears died down, the pain behind his eyes faded until it was only a slight burn in the back of his head. What stayed behind was an overbearing heaviness to his limbs. Sluggishly he lifted his head to look at his friend, who greeted him with a gentle and oh so familiar smile.

“Better?”, Woojin asked, warm brown eyes scanning Chan’s form.

Chan nodded and moved to lean more comfortably against the elder. He buried his head back where it had rested before and wrapped his arms around Woojin’s neck, taking a shuddering but deep breath. 

 

Woojin felt oddly helpless while he held the leader in his arms. He didn’t quite understand what just happened. Why his friend had been lying on the bathroom floor whimpering and crying. But he knew instinctively that it was nothing he could physically help Chan with. Was it the stress? Probably. He couldn’t help but pull the younger even closer to his chest, an overbearing feeling of protectiveness spreading in his every cell. Every little whimper that passed Chan’s lips hurt somewhere deep down in Woojin’s chest.

If he could, he would climb down into his leader's beautifully deep but also dark mind to fight whatever demon waited there. But all he could do was hold him close.  
For a few minutes the two just sat there, clinging to each other like two lost children.

 

It took a while until Chan could speak.

“Woojin… I don’t know what just ha-happened. I just- I couldn’t breathe and-“

When Chan started to get frantic again Woojin shushed him gently.

“It’s okay Chan, you don’t have to explain. We can work this out later, at the dorm. Just- let’s just wait until you have calmed down enough to walk and we can go to the van then, yeah?”

Chan gave a light nod and took a few deep breaths.

“I think we can try now?”

“You sure?”

“Hm-hmm”

“Okay”

Woojin slowly untangled himself from Chan to help him up. To his surprise Chan stood more or less steady on his own two feet. He still shook like a leaf but at least the world didn’t start spinning again.

As he shot a quick glance at the mirrors to their right he cringed. His makeup had run down all over his face in dark streaks. Had he cried? He couldn’t remember.

Woojin stood close to him, leaning against one of the sinks, as if he was scared Chan could faint any moment. 

“You may wanna wash your face before we go?”

Chan just huffed before splashing his face with cold water. After rubbing all the stains off his face he felt a little more like a human again. A glance in the mirror confirmed that he looked in fact a little better. Still like a wet cat after a storm, but better.  
When he had finished whipping at his face with a tissue he looked back at Woojin who waited patiently for him, hands playing with the hem of his worn grey sweater.

“Sorry for scaring you”, murmured Chan, head hanging low.

“No worries, really. I mean, yeah, you did scare me a lot but… I’m just glad you are better now”, answered the older singer before he offered his hand for Chan to take. 

“Let’s get you home, okay?”

“That sounds really good”, said Chan as he flashed a wonky but genuine smile at the older before taking his outstretched hand.

***

He honestly couldn’t quite remember how he got into the van and if he put his seatbelt on himself or if someone else did it for him.

He was just so glad that he felt save again, that his cheek rested on Woojin’s shoulder and not on the cold bathroom tiles and that he could hear his members talk instead of hearing the static noise in his head. He was so glad that he could feel the warmth of Woojin’s skin against his where their fingers were securely intertwined. He was so glad the elder had managed to pull him out of whatever episode he just had.

He should thank him when they were alone. Small little sparks glimmered in his chest at the thought of that. Yeah, he was so thankful he could kiss the older boy.


	2. Gimme, gimme (chocolate) shelter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back at the dorm the two oldest try to counter Chan's salty tears with hot chocolate and an obscene amount of marshmallows.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello~  
> It took a while but here is chapiter two!  
> I hope you like it <3

Nothing could compare to the relieve Chan felt when he walked through the front door of their dorm. He was home. Finally. Half of the members were already in bed, having gone with the first van that picked them up at Music Bank, leaving the dorm in a peaceful silence.

The only ones still awake apart from Chan and Woojin were Minho and Jisung, which were currently caught up in a playful argument about who could use the bathroom first. It ended with Minho going first after winning a game of rock scissors paper and Jisung deciding that he could just shower the next morning (like hell he would). The younger rapper said a brief good night before leaving the two oldest to themselves. 

Woojin turned to his age-mate, a bright grin on his face.

“How about some hot chocolate?”

Chan couldn’t help but smile back at the boy who was looking at him expectedly. 

“Sounds delightful, mum.” 

Woojin swatted at the younger, who just laughed and ducked away before he was hit.

“Yaahh”, whined the oldest,” Don’t call me that!”

A playful fight broke out. The two oldest trying to hit each other without getting hit themselves. It quickly ended with Chan throwing himself at Woojin and trapping his arms by hugging him tightly. He clung to the older like a koala, crackling at his friend’s struggle to break free.

Even though said older boy was trapped in a bone crushing hug, he had never been more relieved. After seeing Chan curled up and crying on a nameless bathroom floor, it had been hard to believe he could ever go back to his normal state. To boxy smiles and adorable dimples, to silly faces and crescent eyes that almost disappeared when he laughed. All that had seemed to go down the drain as he had held the younger’s shaking form just an hour ago.

Chan quickly dispersed Woojin’s rapidly darkening thoughts by starting to chant “Chocolate, chocolate” in a childish manner while shaking the older in his arms expectantly.

“Okay, okay”, laughed the older, ”get off me!”

“Nooo”, whined the blond, Woojin could definitely hear the pout in his voice, “Carry me!”

It was kind of unbelievable that this goof was the leader of their group, but Woojin wouldn’t want it any other way. So he just obeyed and squatted down for Chan to climb properly on his back. Which he did without a second thought. 

Woojin waddled to the kitchen, the extra weight on his back causing him to sway like a ship on the ocean. He even bumped into the doorframe and almost dropped the boy on his back. The entire time he could feel the little puffs of air that left Chans lips tickling the sides of his neck, which definitely didn’t help with Woojin’s struggles to keep his balance.

After Woojin had placed the younger carefully on the kitchen counter, he started making hot chocolate. All the while Chan sat on the counter, swinging his legs and watching the older boy move with drooping eyes. His playfulness from moments ago couldn’t cover up just how exhausted he truly was. 

The heaviness he had felt in his limps since the incident in the bathroom still hadn’t decreased. And even though he had felt exhausted, tired to his bones, he couldn’t fall asleep in the car. An uneasy giddiness had kept him wide awake the whole ride. And it still clung to him. Crawled through his fingers and arms like ants and made him feel like he should run and hide. Even though he was save here with Woojin. More so than everywhere else. But it wasn’t good that he needed the older to feel save, right? 

Little moments of the last month crossed his mind. Woojin’s voice cracking when he talked to his mother on the phone. His legs shaking after revising the choreo over and over again. The way the older had pressed his lips together after a fight with Felix, so close to tears but refusing to cry. 

He looked at said boys hands dance through the cabinet in search for a pan to heat the milk, watched his caramel brown mob of hair hop with every movement, falling into his kind, brown eyes occasionally. 

He already had enough to shoulder.

The oldest faintly registered Minho leaving the bathroom and whisper-shouting “Good night!”, but his mind was completely elsewhere. Woojin knew exactly, that Chan was trying to start a conservation, but didn’t know how, at the way he nervously played with his fingers. Tangling and untangling them in his lap.  
“Hyung?”, the blond finally said, the playful tone from minutes ago long gone.

Woojin hummed while looking for the powdered chocolate in one of the kitchen cabinets.  
“I’m sorry that I make you take care of me. I really should get my shit together…”

Woojin’s head turned rapidly as he heard the guilt in his friend’s voice.

“Chan…”

“No!”

Chan’s voice was a little too loud when he interrupted the older. The blond had stopped watching Woojin move. His head hung low and his fingers were so tightly intertwined that his knuckles turned white. 

“No, Woojin, I’m the leader I shouldn’t act like a child, I should be able to handle stress better, I should not cry in a fucking bathroom, I should…”

“Chan, stop”, said Woojin gently, finally stopping the rapid flow of words. 

Somewhere during Chan’s outburst he had slid down from the counter, suddenly and painfully aware of his childlike position. His fingers were now clutching his upper arms, leaving red indents were his nails dug into the skin.  
In a few steps Woojin was in front of the blond and had his hands placed on the other’s, gently coaxing them to loosen their grip.

“Channie”, whispered Woojin in the tense silence of the kitchen,” listen carefully, okay? You don’t have to always have everything under control. It’s okay to let others take care of you.”

Chan didn’t move or show any sign of understanding but Woojin just continued.

“And I like it when you are playful and silly. I like seeing you act like you are alive, okay? So don’t worry about being childish.”

The younger had curled in on himself during the last few sentences and started to shake again, his head hanging low. 

“But I shouldn’t make my problems yours too. You have enough as is.”

Woojin took the younger’s hands in his, running his thumbs over the back of them soothingly.

“I care about you, Chan. And that means, that I don’t mind taking some of the weight off your shoulders and onto mine. And besides. You do this all the time. You always listen to the problems of the whole group.”

The younger boy just shook his head, voice growing desperate.

“Yeah, of course I do! I’m the leader. It’s my job to help the group, to make sure everyone is doing well.”  
The older couldn’t stop a sigh leaving his lips and closed his eyes for a second. _Chan is such an idiot sometimes_ , Woojin thought to himself.

“Come on, Chan. Cut that I-am-the-leader-bullshit already”, Woojin said, making the younger look up at the curse leaving his lips.

“That’s not why you do that. Not because you are responsible for us or something. You do this because we are friends. Because you care. And everybody in this group would do the same for you, if you just let us. Or let me, at least.”

Chan slowly pulled away from his hold. Leaving the older with light panic creeping up his spine. Had he said something wrong? Had he been too cocky?

But before Woojin’s panic could grow too much Chan stepped forward and slung his arms around the elder’s neck, leaning against him with so much force that he stumbled backwards a little bit. Woojin returned the hug without a second thought, wrapping his arms around the younger’s waist tightly. 

Chan’s shoulders shook a little, but the older boy didn’t comment on it. He just rubbed a hand up and down the shorter males back, murmuring gentle nothings in his hair. Despite the younger’s broad frame, he felt frail in Woojin’s arms. Like a doll that had been thrown around too much. Joints barely keeping it together.

“You are right, Woojin I’m sorry. I guess… Today is just really not my day”, murmured Chan after a while.

“That’s okay”, answered Woojin, pulling the younger a little closer,” I got you.”

Woojin's words echoed in Chan's mind, repeating and overlapping over and over again, leaving him with a warm buzz in the color of the oldest voice in his heart. 

They stayed in a comfortable silence for a few seconds, before Woojin spoke again.  
“Sooo, do you want marshmallows in your hot chocolate, or what?”

Chan broke away from the hug, irrupting into wet laughter. He wiped at his eyes, as he said:

“Yeah, I would love some.”

A fond smile spread over the older’s face as he started, yet again, to prepare hot chocolate.

 

It didn’t take long until the hot beverage was ready. Woojin made sure he drowned as many marshmallows as he could in Chans mug before he placed it in front of the younger on their kitchen table.

“Thanks”, the blond said before fishing some marshmallows out and practically inhaling them.

Woojin sat across from him with a mug on his own. They had matching One Piece mugs since last Christmas, because they both had had the same silly idea. Woojin looked at Chopper’s face while warming his hands on the mug.

“Maybe we should ask Manager-nim for tomorrow off. For you at least.”

Now it was Chan’s turn to look at his mug. His face scrunched up in disapproval.

“Chan, come on. You are exhausted and we have to get up in…”, he glanced at the clock on the wall,” in five hours. You will break down again if you don’t rest.”

“The meeting tomorrow…”

“Fuck this meeting”, grumbled Woojin before angrily  
sipping on his hot chocolate and hissing as he burned his tongue. Chan probably would have laughed on a normal day, but he didn’t. He just fixed Woojin with a tired and grave look.

“It’s not that easy… They wanted to talk about the song drafts and…”

“Yeah, I know, but we could just try? Come on I will call him…”, the older whined as he leaned a little closer to his leader. Woojin would have been ashamed to plea like that if he had done it for himself.

“Okay, okay, it won’t hurt.”

Woojin grinned in triumph.

“But, I thought you hated calling people?”

The older boy just shrugged under Chan’s watchful gaze.

“If we get a day off out of it, I really don’t care.”  
Or maybe he just cared more about the pale blond on the other side of the table.

 

The phone call went surprisingly smooth. After Woojin had explained to their manager that Chan was seriously struggling with the exhaustion, he willingly gave him a day off. The others still had to attend their schedules, but Woojin didn’t really mind that. As long as his workaholic leader stayed at home for a day and got the rest he needed, he was content.

The news of a day off painted Chan’s face with relieve and a dimpled smile. As for that matter, that sight was worth hundreds of unpleasing phone calls to Woojin.

 

They finished their hot chocolate quickly and got ready for bed. All through their nightly routine staying close together.

When it was time to part and go to their respective rooms Chan hesitated.

“Woojin…?”

“Hm?”

The younger sighed and rubbed his forearms. The uneasiness was still present. Not as strong as before, but it was still there.

“I still feel kinda strange…”

“What do you mean?”, Woojin asked, stepping closer worriedly.

“I don’t really know… Since the bathroom thing I feel tired but… at the same time it’s like I drank too much coffee?”

Woojin didn’t really understand more than before he had asked, but he could imagine that a break down like that could make you feel off for a longer period of time.

“Do you wanna stay awake a little longer?”

The younger shook his head but hesitated a bit before answering.

“No, not really… But could I sleep with you tonight? I feel less... on edge when you are around.”

The older couldn’t help but smile at the younger being shy about his request, feeling happy little sparks in his chest at the thought of being near Chan.

“Sure”

***

Long and behold Chan laid in Woojin’s bed wrapped up in a loose embrace, listening to the older boy’s breath. The strange giddiness kept him awake for a while, but melted away eventually thanks to the warmth of the body next to him.

He was so grateful to have the older singer with him on this journey. Woojin was his personal tower of strength. His safe haven. 

As he laid there in the dark awake despite his exhaustion, his mind wandered off. Thoughts jumping from the critic he had received for his last track, to random memories from his trainee days, to possible new lyrics. But every thought ended eventually with the beautiful young man next to him. 

He couldn’t stop himself from thinking about the strong arms around him, the warmth in Woojin’s voice as he had talked him down from another panic and the way he had smiled at him over the edge of his One Piece mug. 

For the second time that day little sparks awoke in Chan’s chest. He fell asleep remembering the image of Woojin’s lips, curved up in a tender smile and the little rest of hot chocolate that painted one corner of his mouth. Half asleep he couldn’t help but wonder what would taste sweeter. 

Hot chocolate or a kiss?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo~  
> It seems like Chan won't suffer as much any more, or will he???
> 
> (I really craved sweets while writing this. Sorry if you do now as well)
> 
> And of course, thanks for reading!


	3. Or I'm gonna fade away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys (:  
> Sorry, it took a while to finish this chapiter. I started UNI and  
> everything was a MESS. So yeah...  
> Enjoy <3

Chan didn’t wake up when Woojin wiggled his way out of the younger’s embrace in the morning and he also didn’t, when the others got ready for their day full of schedule.  
The kids were exceptionally quiet that day. All because the oldest had bribed them with promises of takeout, of course. Something like that didn’t just happen. But Chan really needed the sleep. Hell, Chan needed a whole fucking coma, if he wanted to make up for all the hours of sleep he had lost.  
So instead of waking up to the screaming of the maknae line, the leader woke to sunlight gently falling through the half see-through curtains over Woojin’s bed. The warm rays caressed his cheeks, painting dainty patterns all over the room.  
The warmth on his cheeks almost felt like an actual touch. Like an imprint by gentle fingers, that had been placed even before the light had reached Chan, sometime in the dark hours of the morning. It felt familiar.  
Almost no sound from the streets reached their dorm, leaving the room eerily quiet. It felt almost unreal. Like a dream.  
The day before had felt like a dream too, but in an entirely different way. The memories of the bathroom incident were blurry, like someone had filmed them on an outdated, hand-held camera. Today felt like heaven. Too good to be true. If yesterday evening had been a nightmare, then this morning was a perfect daydream.  
Chan hadn’t felt this rested since a long time. His head was clear, and the strange need to run and hide had vanished completely. The anxiety, the dread from yesterday was gone. The blond couldn’t help but smile.  
***  
Forty minutes later, after he had snuggled back into the bedsheets and gave into the temptation of going back to sleep for another minute, he sat on the couch with a bowl of sugary cereal and a steaming cup of coffee.  
The cereal originally belonged to Jisung, who loved the colourful little loops that tasted like pure caries. Chan had decided to steal some, as celebration of his day off, if you will. Chan was determined to spend the whole day lazing around on the couch, catching up with Food Wars.  
Sometime in the afternoon, he found himself scrolling through Netflix. Surprisingly he hadn’t missed all that much, even though he hadn’t had a day off since… Yeah, since when?  
In lack of a better idea (and in lack of the motivation to get up) he settled on a film that had been nominated for an Oscar. The beginning looked astonishing. Beautiful scenery of Italy, a young man as the protagonist. Even though he planned to use the movie merely as background noise while scrolling through twitter, he was kind of excited to watch it.  
It looked like one of those slow and atmospheric movies. One of the kind, that left you with a very certain kind of musing and peace in the end. And this day was all about peace and tranquillity to Chan. It seemed perfect.  
***  
After being absolutely immersed in his twitter feed for what could have been an hour, he looked up for a second to check if the film was still rolling. It had been strangely quiet for a while.  
What he saw, made his jaw drop. The shock glued his eyes to the screen of his laptop, forcing him to keep watching, while his heart was getting ready to jump out of his chest.  
Two man were kissing. It only lasted a few seconds. Just a heartbeat, if you will. Then they broke apart.  
Chan was enchanted, phone long forgotten in his hand. He was imagining things, right? They didn’t…?  
Just as Chan was about to believe his mind was playing macabre tricks on him, one of the two men spoke in a cocky voice:  
“Better now?”  
The other man, boy, didn’t seem to be better though. Seconds later he almost tackled the other to kiss him. Tongue and all. The boy wasn’t ashamed one bit.  
Chan frantically slammed his laptop shut.  
***  
After that, nothing felt as perfect as it had before. The silence was a nuisance. It only helped his focus to shift internally, helped his mind to wander. And he didn’t want that. Chan didn’t want to think about what he just had seen.  
Or more so, he didn’t want to think about what it had made him feel. He had been enchanted. His innermost core had been touched. He craved what he had seen. He had imagined it before with-  
No.  
He shouldn’t think like that. That was dangerous territory. He-will-hate-you and you-will-get-fired-territory.  
“God damn”, thought Chan,” get your shit together. You can’t just lose your mind over a stupid film.”  
***  
He stayed restless for the remaining of the day. Desperate to busy himself, to keep his mind from wandering to dangerous places.  
He was immersed in a game of Super Smash Bros. in the living room when Felix plopped down on the couch next to him, snapping him out of his trance. Only now he noticed the quiet chatter and shuffling of his members all around the dorm.  
The younger Australian was very excited about telling Chan what he had missed and immediately started a retelling of how Seungmin almost broke his nose during practise. The older Aussie couldn’t help but smile fondly as Felix formed the story with his whole body.  
The smile fell as the couch dipped a second time, instead he gulped. It was Woojin.  
The older boy had his arms draped over the back rest of the couch. Random strands of hair, still wet from the shower he had taken after practise, sticking up in different directions. His face was as bare as it could be. Woojin was always very serious about taking his makeup off properly.  
If you asked Chan, Woojin didn’t need the makeup anyway. His slightly tan skin had the colour of warm honey without all that sickly pale foundation the stylists put on him. Damn, he glowed like gold in the light of the early evening filtering through the windows. Fuck all the photoshoots they had done until then. That scenery now, right in front of him, should be painted. He wished he could rebuild that moment with a brush and oil paint. It felt like Woojin deserved that.  
Chan watched one single droplet of water run from the older’s hair into his collar before tearing his eyes away. With sweaty hands he grabbed the controller harder and asked, mostly to escape the awkward feeling that was settling in his stomach:  
“You up for a round?”  
***  
Chan lost a lot in the following 5 rounds. He would have been a little embarrassed if it hadn’t been for the sight of Woojin after winning a match.  
He giggled, making his mostly mature features soften, leaving just a boy. A boy with little fairy lights in his eyes and a smile as enchanting as the light falling through the curtains that morning had been.  
Everything about the older boy drew him in. He had a gravity so strong, Chan feared that his heart could be torn out of his chest by its force. It hurt so much to look at him, but looking away hurt just as badly.  
The spell was broken when Woojin set his controller down to pay the delivery man at the door. The weight, the agony remained in Chan’s chest though.  
A nudge from the side caught him off guard. He had completely forgotten about Felix. Damn. He was such a shitty hyung.  
“You alright?”, the younger asked lowly.  
Chan just nodded, forcing a slight smile to sooth his friends concerns. Felix leaned further towards Chan, a crease of worry between his eyebrows.  
“Is something with you and Woojin-hyung not good?”  
Chan surprised himself and Felix too with the force, with which he put his controller down. In a split second he stood stiffly and said, a lot more hurriedly than he had intended:  
“No, everything is fine. Let’s go eat, Lixie.”  
Again Felix, good, compassionate Felix, didn’t believe any of Chans words, but he didn’t probe any further. Instead he followed the older to the kitchen with only barely hidden worry.  
Chan was insanely thankful to his fellow Aussie for not commenting on the obvious lie, but at the same time he felt guilty. For his behaviour, for his feelings, for lying…for worrying people again.  
Seungmin and Hyunjin had already set the table and Jisung sat there with his chopsticks in hand, ready to devour the hard-earned takeout.  
The rest gathered quickly around the large dining table, lured by the smell of fried chicken. Chan hadn’t eaten since the stolen bowl of cornflakes this morning, so naturally, when Woojin unpacked the food to put it on a plate, his stomach grumbled obnoxiously loud. A long second of silence followed, before the younger ones started giggling at the whale-scream-like-sound of their leader’s stomach. All the while the oldest shot an accusing glare at Chan.  
“Chan… have you eaten today?”, he asked with a very mum-like tone.  
Chan wiggled uncomfortably in his chair and averted his gaze.  
“Well, yeah… In the morning?”, he murmured still not looking up. Partly because he felt strangely guilty and partly because he still couldn’t handle to look at the other boy properly.  
Woojin just sighed and put an extra-large piece of meat on his plate instead of nagging, Changbin pouted just a little in jealousy.  
The usual banter that happened at their dinners lulled Chan in a sleepy state of mind. He watched and listened fondly while his friends talked about their day and fought over the best piece of meat. The blond just occasionally nodded in agreement or hummed to show he was listening while the younger ones filled the silence for him.  
But the cosy feeling was gone as soon as he noticed the eyes of the boy sitting opposite of him on his skin. Woojin’s gaze felt so hot. Would it burn right through his façade if he looked up? What if he knew?  
Chan felt panic settle in his stomach yet again, crawling its way up into his ribcage, feasting on his heart. He was so scared. Scared of Woojin? Of his tower of light? The one who kept him sane for so long? Never.  
But the feeling he got when looking at him scared him. He himself was what scared him. His deep and dark inner self. That core that had been struck earlier.  
The bite of chicken in his mouth tasted foul. He struggled to swallow, the tightness in his chest hindering him. The chopsticks clacked down a little too harshly, making the half-finished plate clink audibly.  
“Guys”, he murmured as the whole table stared at him in shock,” I’m full. I’m gonna… lie down. “  
He hurried to his room, faintly hearing Hyunjin asking if he was alright, but the ringing in his ears drowned out most of the sound.  
He closed the door to his shared room. Not bothering to put the lights on, he went straight for his bed and flopped down face first.  
“Wow”, he thought to himself, “What a way of making things awkward.”  
His friends of course knew something was wrong after that, but he had to get away. Everything was better than throwing up on the spot. And he would have done that, if he had stayed another second.  
***  
Strangely no one commented on his behaviour that evening. But everyone tiptoed a little around him, as if he would snap at them. It made him angry. Angry at himself. For scaring them, for making things awkward, for being such a downer.  
He didn’t go to the bathroom to brush his teeth until everyone else was already done. His pale reflection in the mirror let guilt bubble up in his chest yet again. He had done nothing all day except for being stupid. He averted his gaze, studying the sink instead, brushing a few stray hairs away.  
What should he do with himself? What was wrong with him?  
He spat out the toothpaste and rinsed his mouth. He wished, he could wash away parts of himself too. To see them disappear in the drain in a perfect little spiral.  
The door opened, ripping him out of his thoughts.  
“Hey,” said Woojin softly as he closed the door behind himself and leant against the wall.  
“Hey”, echoed Chan, being oddly fascinated with the sink again.  
An awkward silence settled between them. It screamed at Chan. Made him feel even guiltier. They never were tense around each other. Never. And it was all his fault.  
Woojin shifted uncomfortably.  
“I just wanted to check in on you… You know, to see if you feel better from last evening… We haven’t talked all that much today…”  
With every sentence his voice got quieter, more unsure, more unlike he spoke to him normally.  
“Yeah, much better”, he said lamely. Fearing he wouldn’t sound convincing he added:  
“I haven’t slept this well in ages.”  
And it was true. Of course, it was. He always slept best, if Woojin was close to him. When he was surrounded by his warmth, by the familiar sent of his favourite perfume that seemed to have mixed into his natural scent over the years of using.  
“You looked nauseous at dinner though, are you sure it wouldn’t be better to rest for another day?”, the older asked.  
Woojin knew him well, there was no way he would have fallen for that pathetic attempt of fooling him. Chan shook his head and tried to muster a calming smile to maybe save himself from getting exposed.  
“Everything is peachy, Woojinie, don’t worry about me.”  
The pet name seemed to soften his cautious glare a little. All the while it hurt Chan to no avail. He didn’t want to say it just to calm Woojin down, to fucking lie to his face in the same breath. He wanted to hug him. To hold him close and whisper it into his ear softly, only for him to hear.  
“You would tell me, if something was wrong, right?”, Woojin said with so much care in his voice that Chan almost broke down right there. Almost.  
“Of course, I would.”  
***  
That night Chan cried silently. Guilt and self-hatred burning him alive. He had lied to his friend. His best friend. To someone that truly cared about him. But he could not tell him what the matter was this time. He couldn’t ask him for help or lean on him like he usually would. He just couldn’t. When he would unveil what he felt… Woojin would… He didn’t even want to think about that.  
So, Chan lied in his bed, wide awake the whole night, struggling to not think about kissing the soft smile Woojin had given him as he had said good night. The little sparks in his chest wanted to rise to the surface, they wanted to be felt again. But he forced them deep down, next to things he deemed ugly and unlovable at the bottom of his heart.  
There was no use in dreaming.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANKS FOR READING!!!  
> And happy birthday to our dearest leader :*  
> I promise I will not torture him as much anymore...  
> So fluff ahead!  
> (Btw the mentioned film is called "Call me by your name" aand sadly isn't on netflix... ):  
> Edit: It is now tho???? Fuck yess. I warmly recommend it! )


	4. Author's note

Hey guys

*hugs everybody who read my story to this point because we all need a hug*

There probably aren't that many people reading this fanfiction, but it feels right to explain to the ones that did stick around what is going to happen with this ff after the recent events.  
I have never even considered the possibility of one of the members leaving after they have finally debut as nine. To say I am shocked is a brutal understatement. And I'm sure you feel the same.

I have already written the ending (it's a happy ending (':) of this ff and I'm going to post it sometime in the future. Maybe I will offer an alternative ending, because I feel like a less happy-ever-after kind of ending fits the situation and my mood more. It would feel more appropriate in a way.

I wanna add that I completely understand if you are not gonna keep on reading this story. Thanks for coming on this little day dream with me and for sticking around for this long. I hope we get a little bit closure soon.

Stay strong!

rosehiptea


	5. It’s just a kiss away

Woojin wasn’t stupid. He knew that Chan lied about being alright. It hurt, that he had lied to him, but it was also very much like Chan to lie about his wellbeing. 

Chan was the type of person to just power through colds and muscle pain and he definitely did the same thing with mental problems. He just worked through them, worked until his body broke down. Chan was either all in or nothing. 

Woojin did admire his immense willpower but… he’d rather his friend would slow down a little sometimes. To just rest and maybe let someone else help him with his workload or with his problems. Woojin wanted to be that someone so badly. 

But it wasn’t his place to force help on the younger, even if he desperately wanted to. All he could do was offer it and wait. To keep his arms and ears open for the leader.

Taking that resolve didn’t mean watching Chan at breakfast the next morning wasn’t immensely frustrating. Woojin almost abandoned his decision when he saw the younger tumble into the kitchen.

Chan’s pale skin gave for a stark contrast to the dark shadows cascading over his cheeks, making him look the slightest bit more undead than usual. Aside from that, his face was oddly puffy. But not the normal, pretty cute, way his lips and eyes got puffy from salty food and a good night’s sleep. The skin around his eyes was swollen and irritated. It looked itchy.

“Hyung, have you not taken off your make up properly?”, Jeongin spoke Woojin’s mind. Well, kinda. He spoke with half chewed cornflakes in his mouth and milk on his chin, but it was what shot through the oldest’s mind nonetheless.

Chan froze at the question, spoon half way to his lips.

“Why?”

“Your eyes are kinda red?”, the youngest said in a this-is-very-obvious kind of manner after finally swallowing his food.

“Ah, yes. Properly from the makeup”, Chan murmured, before continuing eating his breakfast, head down.

Seungmin, sitting next to the leader, immediately started a wholehearted speech about the importance of skincare. Woojin was sure he would have illustrated the whole ordeal with a PowerPoint presentation if he had had the time to prepare. Hyunjin watched him, chin supported by his hands and a dopey smile on his lips.

All the while Chan just nodded absentmindedly to the lecture of his younger teammate, shoulders tense. 

Woojin knew his face wasn’t puffy because of makeup. He hadn’t worn any on his day off for sure.

Woojin caught Seugmin’s eyes with his. There wasn’t more needed for the younger to stop his speech. There was a strange little silence before the redhaired boy’s focus shifted his attention to the lanky dancer next to him and started a discussion about their dance instructor instead.

Chan’s shoulders relaxed a little as the focus drifted away from him with the change of topic.

“You know, something cold would help with the swelling. I think we still have a bag of peas in the freezer”, murmured the oldest lowly in Chan’s direction, trying to not attract any attention of the younger members. They weren’t stupid, they would eventually get that something was off with their leader. But the blond had looked so tense when Jeongin had called him out, Woojin couldn’t help but cover for him.

Even though Chan didn’t tell him what was wrong, or that something was wrong for that matter. Woojin couldn’t watch him be in more pain than necessary. 

Chan looked at him for a split second before returning his attention back to his now soggy cereals.

“I will try that. Thanks”, he murmured into another spoon full of cornflakes, a slight blush to his cheeks. 

Felix watched their interaction silently while stirring his cup of coffee, brows furrowed.

 

***

 

The two oldest were tense during dance practice. They didn’t talk much and didn’t joke around like usual. Everybody noticed their weird behaviour but chose not to comment on it. Except Felix. He couldn’t stand that weird silence between his hyungs anymore. It was suffocating. And unnecessary. How could they be so sensitive to the feelings of others and so insensitive about their own?

So, during a break he walked over to their leader, who was sitting in a corner with his phone in hand, absentmindedly scrolling through twitter.

“Hyung?”, he asked lowly as he stood in front of Chan.

The older hummed.

“Could we talk?”

The underlying urgency in Felix voice set a secret leader-alarm off immediately. Chan abandoned his phone in seconds and stood.

“Yeah, sure. Do you want to talk outside?”

Felix just nodded, feeling a little guilty for worrying his hyung.

“If he knew this thing won’t be about me…”, the younger aussie thought to himself as he led Chan outside of the practise room to one of the smaller, spare rooms right next to it.

“Soo… What’s up?”, Chan asked, switching to English, knowing well how the younger struggled to express his feelings in the foreign language.

“Well, honestly…”, Felix started, pausing for a second to sort out his thoughts,” I didn’t really want to talk about me, I’m fine.”

“Okay?”

A puzzled expression settled on Chan’s face, but he didn’t shrug off the situation just yet.

“It’s about you and Woojin.”

The leader’s face fell. His cheek had already lost their colour when a faint “yeah?” left his lips. Felix thought Chan was going to faint for a second. But he wouldn’t let him get away again.

“It’s just… I noticed you two act strange around each other. Did you fight?”

Felix wouldn’t have deemed it possible, but Chan’s face lost even more colour. He was as white as the wall in the room they stood in.

“N-no”, he stammered,” we didn’t fight. That’s not it.”

“Then what is it?”

Chan looked at his feet, fighting with himself.

“I can’t tell you”, he answered finally.

Felix was startled by that answer. More than startled. What could there be that his hyung couldn’t tell him?

“Chan, there is literally nothing I would judge you for. Nothing. Not even if you told me you stripped for JYP to debut. Really.”

Chan’s lips twitched at the corners. Felix noted that as success.

“Well to be honest…”, said the older, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively.

The dam was broken. Both stared laughing, shoving each other’s shoulders playfully and yelling “I knew it!” and “You missed the show of the century!”.

The carefree atmosphere lasted only a minute, though. After a while Felix put a hand on Chan’s shoulder and led him to sit down on the floor with him.

“No really, Chan. Can you please tell me what’s up?”

There was a little colour in Chan’s face again from laughing, but he still didn’t look thrilled about talking to Felix.

“It’s kinda hard to put in words, to be honest”, murmured the older, playing with the frayed hem of his sweatpants, “It’s just… I don’t know.”

He sighed deeply.

“But it’s not Woojin’s fault really. It’s mine. I’m the problem.”

Felix didn’t really like were this was going, but he nodded for Chan to keep going.

“It’s just… It’s just that I like him a lot, I guess.”

Felix raised an eyebrow.

“I know?”

“No. Lixie”, Chan murmured as he put his face in his hands,” You don’t know. I like him a lot. Too much.”

Chan’s arms had started shaking from the force with which he pressed his palms in his eye sockets. Felix moved a little closer, taking the older’s wrists and gently forcing his hands away until he could hold them in his lap. The blond’s hands were so much bigger than Felix own, but they felt oddly frail in his. Chan felt oddly frail. So unlike the usual, composed, strong hyung he knew.

“I know, hyung.”, he murmured in the tone of someone trying to calm a wild animal, as he rubbed his hands over the shaking boy’s arms in an attempt to sooth his nerves, “I know you love him.”

A dry sop slipped Chan’s lips. He made a move to turn away but the younger stopped him.

“That’s okay. Really”, reassured Felix hurriedly, “I’m happy you have found someone.”

Chan just shook his head.

“I wished, Lixie, I wished.”

Felix couldn’t help but frown at that.

“Did he reject you? Is this why you are so awkward with each other?”

Felix felt a little flame of anger flare up at the thought of Woojin rejecting Chan. The oldest had been shooting heart eyes at Chan for at least three months now. If he was to run away from the fucking opportunity of his life, Felix wouldn’t hesitate to kick his ass. 

“No”, whispered the blond shamefully, ”I haven’t asked… I’m sacred of… I don’t even know…”

Shame made Chan’s cheeks burn bright red and Felix was so relived he almost laughed outright.

“Seriously, Chan? You should!”, he exclaimed, grabbing the older’s arms anew, looking at him with a sly grin, “You know you don’t have to fear Woojin’s reaction. He would never judge anyone for his feelings. There is literally not a fleck of hatred in his body… Only _love_.”

 

***

 

Chan would like to say Felix encouraging him had lead to him confessing immediately, to lose all doubt and get rid of the “What if”s in his head. But that wasn’t the case. It felt fucking amazing to finally talk about his feelings with someone, but it didn’t make his problems disappear on the spot. It made sleeping at night a little easier however. Just a little.

Today he didn’t plan on sleeping because of different reasons, though. 3RACHA was gathered in their studio. Jisung was splayed over the couch, a notebook in one hand, chewing absentmindedly on a pen while tapping a rhythm with his other hand. 

Changbin had settled in one of the chairs, perched over his laptop, face so close to the screen that his face seemed to glow bluish. 

Chan sat in front of their mixing console, headphones on and head and fingers busy with the task at hand. 

At around midnight Hyunjin barged into the studio. He was drenched in sweat from the extra round of dance practice he had done, and he was ready to take the other 00-liner back to the dorm. 

After an excessive amount of whining Jisung got up from the couch, grabbed his bag and said bye to his hyungs.

“Don’t stay for to long, okay? You will grow roots and I don’t think that the janitor is thrilled to clean around you two ugly ass trees”, said the youngest of the rap-trio with a wink as he got dragged out of the door by his age mate.

“I’m sure he is like this because he chews on plastic pens all day”, grunted Changbin when he turned back to his laptop. Contrary to his words, mild amusement tucked at the corners of his lips.

Chan just laughed and hit the younger’s shoulder lightly.

“Binnie~”, Chan sing-songed,” don’t be a meanie.”

“Did you chew on those pens two? I thought you were a rapper!”, the younger responded, one hand on his chest in an overdramatic display of fake shock. 

The two looked at each other for a second, before breaking out in a fit of giggles. It was too late at night again. 

After nearly choking on their laughs, Chan blew Changbin a raspberry for good measure, before turning back in his chair. He received an outstretched middle finger as an answer.

Chan loved the dynamic of their producer trio. Childish but at the same time highly professional if they had to. 

He couldn’t imagine people that complimented him better and that he would rather spend these work packed nights with. He felt completely at ease in the cramped space with the two members that completed the powerhouse, the producer team, of Stray Kids.

Okay, maybe Chan could imagine someone. But that someone had to stay out of his head for the moment, or that beat he had been mulling over for the past half hour would never-

 

“Hey, Chan?”

 

Changbin’s words fell slowly, hesitantly into the comfortable silence of the studio. 

The older stopped his hands midway on the way to his computer.

“Yeah?”

“Uhm”, murmured the younger rapper, scratching his nape, “I don’t know how to ask this, really…”

Changbin studied the older’s face with a completely serious expression. Chan stared right back.

“Just try?”, he said, not unfazed by the tone of the younger’s words.

“Something feels different in the group”, he waved his hands in the air as if it would give the abstract concept, he wanted to explain, a form, “You know. The dynamic? Something is off…”

Changbin hadn’t taken his eyes off the older, worry painting his features. 

“You are kind of different too. I wanted just… Are you-“

Right as the main rapper was about to finish his sentence, the door opened again, this time revealing a panting Felix.

“Hi guys, you all good?”, asked the youngest a little breathless with a sweet smile before turning to Changbin, ”Are you ready to go?”

“Go?”, asked the dark-haired rapper surprised.

“Yeah, go. You promised to finish early today! You know, to watch the new episode of the drama we started recently…”

The honey blond gave his hyung an accusing glare. He looked like a housewife whose husband forgot their wedding day.

“Ah, yeah, of course I’m ready”, stammered Changbin, “Let me just grab my bag…”

As he started to turn off all the programs on his laptop and gather his stuff, he turned to Chan and said quietly:

“We’ll talk about this later, okay?”

Chan nodded before waving them goodbye, a relieved smile on his face. It must have been fate, that Felix decided to steal his co producer right at that moment. 

Changbin’s sensitivity to the situation made his heart swell, but he really wasn’t in the mood to talk about that right now.

Felix winked at the other aussie before shutting the door behind himself. 

Yeah… fate for sure…

 

***

 

Chan kept on working for a while. You could say he had a good flow. He was completely in “the zone” when suddenly the sound of a message on his phone ripped him out of his trance. Didn’t he turn it off? Strange.

Seungmin’s name glowed at him in the dark of the studio. It was pretty unusual for him to be still awake at, he glanced at the right upper corner of the screen, at 2 am.

 

**Puppy ( 2:13 am)**

_hey hyung  
woojin-hyung still isn’t back from his Vlive, is he with you?_

 

**Chan-hyung (2:14 am)**

_nope  
haven’t seen him  
when did the Vlive end?_

 

**Puppy ( 2:15 am)**

_Like two hours ago  
I thought he would come home with jisung and hyunjinnie  
But yeah  
He didn’t come with binnie and lixie either_

 

Chan’s heart warmed at the word “home”. But there was also worry settling in his chest. Woojin was a punctual person and he never really lingered at the company longer than necessary when he could be at the dorm sleeping or playing games with the others instead.

 

**Chan-hyung (2:17 am)**

_Go to sleep, pub  
I will go search for him  
Maybe he fell asleep_

 

**Puppy ( 2:17 am)**

_Yeah maybe  
Would be unlike him tho  
Good night hyung, come back home soon pls_

 

**Chan-hyung (2:17 am)**

_Sure_  
Don’t worry  
<3 sleep well 

 

He saved his progress and shut down all the electronics for the night, before hurrying out of the studio. He took the stairs a few floors down to the vocal rooms, where Woojin normally held his Vlives. 

He didn’t really have a clue where he should start looking for him, so he might as well start there.

To his surprise, when he bulldozed into the vocal practise room, Woojin was actually there. He lied on the sofa that stood there for the sole reason of being a comfortable Vlive location, staring at the ceiling. Or actually, after his pretty violent entry, Chan was the object of his staring.

“Holy shit?”, the older of the two exclaimed at his sight, properly even before he had recognised who it was, that had barged into the room.

“Holy shit, yourself Woojin”, responded the blond grinning and a little breathless from running and… maybe from the sight before him. 

Woojin’s hair was adorably tousled. His expression wasn’t as adorable, though. He looked shocked and dead tired. The kind of tired that doesn’t come from lack of sleep, that settled in your bones and your mind if you didn’t watch out.

“I didn’t think I would find you this fast, Seungmin thought you got lost”, said Chan as he stood lamely in the middle of the room. He ached to do something. But he didn’t know what. Maybe get closer to him?

Chan took a few steps in the direction of the still very much startled boy on the couch, before plopping down next to him in a unceremonial way. 

Yeah that felt right. Closer.

“Oh god, what time is it?”, groaned the older before falling back on the couch.

“Like 2:30 or something?”

“Well shit. Didn’t realise that.”

“Were you sleeping?”

Woojin didn’t look like he slept, but Chan didn’t know what else to ask to find out why he was still here.

“No… Just thinking. Kinda lost track of time apparently…”, Woojin murmured, taking back up his staring at the ceiling.

“A penny for your thoughts?”

Suddenly the whole situation felt like known terrain again to Chan. Conversation like this used to be the norm for them. Late at night they would talk about life and their problems and things they loved. Chan couldn’t be happier about that, even though the “used to” still hung in the air, making the distance between them vaster.

“I don’t know really”, started Woojin, like he often started, when he tried to put feelings into words.

“Just try. I’m here to listen.” 

It seemed like the distance between them was overcome in mere seconds, with just a few words.

“I guess I’m not content with my Vlives?”

He sighed deeply.

“This one sucked especially.”

“Why do you think that?”, asked Chan watching his friend intently.

The older sucked in a breath and sighed again, more deeply this time. Then he started to talk. 

“I feel like mine are so boring. I have absolutely no talent in reacting to requests and doing something spontaneously. For example, today someone requested in the comments, that I sing a song. And I knew that song so well, but I was too scared to just do it half-heartedly and then I just said, that I didn’t know the lyrics and yeah. I should have just done it. You sing all the time on your Vlives without practising.”

Chan frowned.

“You know just because I do it doesn’t mean at all that you have to do the same.”

Woojin looked at him, an unreadable expression on his face.

“But people love it”, murmured the older.

“Well, yeah, but there is no use in doing that if you are uncomfortable with it.”

Chan mulled for e second before he spoke again.

“And if you make it your format?”

The oldest still looked at him with a sceptical expression.

“My format?”

“Yeah! You take recommendations for songs and prepare short covers for the next time. You can sing for the fans and you can prepare.”

Woojin sat up. Looking at Chan with sparkles in his eyes.

“Holy shit, Chan!”

 

***

 

They kept talking and suggesting and refining the idea for the better part of the night, completely forgetting the promise of coming home as soon as possible. But it felt just so good to be talking again, to be back to normal. 

Over the time they each had scooted a little close until they sat only inches apart. Woojin still lied on the couch, but this time on his side, facing Chan.

The blond still sat on the floor, but had shifted closer to Woojin, arms casually crossed on the seat of the couch, chin resting on top of them.

Woojin was close to falling asleep. Chan was currently talking about one of their company’s producer’s soundcloud. The soft flow of his groggy voice slowly lulling the older into closing his eyes, only to open them wide seconds later to keep listening. 

In this state of half sleep and half consciousness his brain shifted it’s focus to Chan’s face. His gaze wandered over the other’s chapped lips, that were moving steadily, to his lashes, that were fanning their long shadow over rosy cheeks in the shitty light of the practise room, to the mess of blond curls on top of his head. Some locks fell over his forehead, unruly pointing in the wrong directions. 

Without thinking he brushed those curls with his fingertips. Smoothing them around his fingers before rearranging them so they wouldn’t bother Chan.

Woojin took a while to notice that the older had stopped talking, too transfixed by the play of light in Chan’s curls when he twisted them. He was positively high on sleep deprivation.

The blond looked up at Woojin from under those feathery, dark lashes. He looked younger somehow. His eyes were small and heavy lidded from lack of sleep and he had a red imprint on his cheek from squishing his face onto his arm for too long. 

But he was so beautiful... Woojin couldn’t look away. He didn’t want to. He had stopped himself from looking, from marvelling for so long.

His fingers acted on their own will when they moved from the younger’s forehead to his temples, gently tracing the hair line with his thumb.

Chan didn’t move, he just looked back in a state of shock. When the pads of the main singer’s fingers brushed his ears, his lashed fluttered for a moment. Breathless, he whispered a low: ”Woojin?”

The older just hummed, resuming in his caresses. If he had known how hard he made it for Chan to speak…

“I wanted to tell you something”, whispered the blond, fearing the moment of intimacy would shatter if he spoke any louder, but also needing to finally speak.

Woojin hummed again, leading the journey of his fingers further down, tracing the shivering skin of his friend’s cheek. The said boy stayed silent, lips firmly shut. He was at loss for words. 

Woojin stopped his fingers right were Chan’s jaw and neck met, looking the younger dead in the eyes. The sleepy state he was in made him brave.

“What do you want to tell me, Channie?”, he whispered, gently cupping the younger’s cheek, getting closer.

Chan lips parted, his form shuddering from the light touch of the other’s hand. His gaze moved over Woojin’s face, searching, probing, before he lifted one of his hands. Slowly he placed it on Woojin’s. Peeling him away ever so gently to place a shy kiss to his wrist. His eyes never leaving Woojin’s.

Electricity flared up at the places where they skin met. It was, as if this tiny touch of lips on tender skin had been the distance, they needed to overcome to fully understand.

They stilled right after, searching in each other’s eyes and only finding little gleams and sparks of light, fuelled by the electricity filling the room.

Woojin dipped his head, crossing the by now, very little distance between their faces and placing a ghost of a kiss on the blond’s parted lips, as if he was asking for permission. 

Chan gave it to him willingly, gripping the other’s hand tighter as their lips slid against each other. Moving slowly but surely, they drew each other in closer, winding fingers in soft curls and snaking hands over necks. Their bodies came alive under the touch, blood rushing through their veins, spurred by their racing hearts.

When they broke apart, forehead pressed against each other, Chan looked at Woojin. The little sparks he had pushed away rose again at the sight of his loving eyes and the slight blush on the other’s cheeks, making his heart feel full and warm and whole. A little smile crept its way on his face.

Woojin broke out in giggles first, Chan following suit. The older interlaced their fingers and pulled him on the couch, on top of him. They could feel the warmth of the other through their clothes, thighs pressing against each other, as Chan straddled the older’s hip. Even though he already felt hot all over he still craved the other’s warmth. 

Woojin looked up at Chan with uncovered desire. He had wished to be this close to the other for so long. He had hidden his feelings for so long and now everything bubbled to the surface. When Chan closed the distance between them again both moved a lot more hungrily against each other, noses bumping in their haste. 

When Chan’s tongue ghosted over the older’s lips it was his turn to let him in, to let him devour the puffs of breath that fell from his lips.

 

***

 

There was no way in telling how much time had past until they surfaced from their craze, lips raw and cheeks glowing, little puffs of air falling in the small space between their lips.

“I wanted to do this for so long”, murmured Chan, voice raw, eyes gleaming in the dim light of the room.

“Yeah,” whispered Woojin back breathlessly, “me too.”

The blond placed a quick kiss on the other’s lips, before looking at him with pain flooding his eyes, threatening to drown the gleam that had light them a second ago.

“I thought you wouldn’t like me like that…”, he whispered ashamedly.

“How?”, said Woojin gently as he cupped the cheeks of the boy over him with his delicate hands, ”How on earth could I not like you?”

The sincerity dripped like honey from the other’s lips in Chan’s heart, letting an insanely sweet feeling grow. All he could see in Woojin’s eyes showed him how silly his concerns had been. There was nothing but adoration, nothing but love.

 

And Chan realised it had only been a kiss away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guuys!
> 
> Thank you all so much for reading this mess of a fanfiction till the end.
> 
> This last chapter was honestly finished a long time ago, I just never really had the heart to post it. I originally planned to write an alternative, sad, ending, that would fit the whole situation of Woojin leaving better... You know, happy endings and sweet love kinda felt inappropriate at that time.  
> But now, after some time has past and with the new year approaching, I think we should end the whole ordeal on a happy note and not drag the sadness with us.  
> Let's just keep Woojin in our hearts and think of him with happy memories in mind and not with the shock and pain of him leaving up front.
> 
> So this is the end of me being sappy this year. I hope you'll all start the new year well and thanks again for coming on this journey with me!
> 
> Love you all  
> rosehiptea

**Author's Note:**

> You can scream at me in the comments for torturing our leader  
> *-* I'm sorry Chan
> 
> (And kudos to whoever gets where the titles are from <3)


End file.
